Facebook Connect is Going to Get You Laid More Often
In solidarity of my week of Twitter, I bring you joy about other new Internet revolutions:
Some people are scared of the way the Internet is changing. What once was personal is now public information. Facebook has been watching what its users are doing outside of Facebook and reporting some of it back to the user’s News Feed. Facebook Connect is going to step this up another level. You can now log into other websites using your Facebook account and gives Facebook access to more information about what you do on the web. I know this sounds terribly intrusive, but it will add more freedom to your life and I will explain how.
At some point you may dabble in a video that is a bit risqué or possibly accidentally visit a website that has a different meaning than you thought (e.g. the old Whitehouse.com) and Facebook posts a story on your behalf. This will lead you to an “oh shit” moment and your heart will start beating rapidly. You scramble to erase your deed, but it is too late. When this happens, do not panic. Calm yourself down and get ready for the aftermath from your finger clicking error.
Congratulations! With that click, you just made yourself and others one-step closer to sexual freedom. Remember all those times when you were jealous of the "sluts” in school, because they did what they want and you held everything inside, because you did not want to be labeled a slut? These times will soon come to an end, when more and more people realize that they have been ignoring their desires and hiding their true sexual emotions. When a critical mass has accepted their desires, the taboo and name-calling will be washed away.
You are probably reading this and thinking, “so what, how this is going to get me laid more often? Who cares about my sexual freedom, I need help getting some in the first place.” Fear not, I have not come close to explaining the true powers of Facebook Connect.
With the mass acceptance of social sites, many people can now see you as you really are. This helps some people, but ruins chances for others. If you lie about being a doctor and bringing home half a million a year, most people will check your profile and see you are lying. You may think Facebook Connect is going to end your ability of lying to get laid, once and for all; however it can help. For example, you can go to a music website, click on a band that your crush loves, mute your speakers, and let Facebook Connect announce to the world how much you listen to (a.k.a. love) that band.
Then you go to Obama’s website (Microsoft Word wants me to change this to Osama’s, but I feel that is not going to help you get laid), go to the donation section, drop $.53 into his fund with a note that says, “I hear you love change.” Now sit back and let Facebook do its magic. If your pants are still on, hold tight, I have one last feature to get excited for.
Ever had Facebook announce that you went from being engaged to single? Ever watch someone else’s relationship status change to something that gives you a better chance of scoring? Facebook Connect will soon offer awesome powers to help you achieve a blissful union. Here is an example: your crush’s relationship status changes to single, they change their current status to “going clubbing,” and then Facebook Connect announces that their credit card just bought 5 shots of Jack Daniels at the Towne Inn. You are stuck at work thinking, “crap this is my chance, but if I go to the bar I will be fired.” Never fear, Facebook Connect allows you to buy a drink remotely and add a note for the bartender to drop your number with a message exclaiming, "you are sorry about the news and are available for support." Even if the bartender does not give the note, it will all be posted to Facebook Connect. In the event (most likely) your dream lover wakes up the next morning still drunk and in the arms of the wrong person, they will be notified once again of your kindness when they log onto Facebook.
[example screenshot of Facebook Connect at work]
Of course, there are a few situations where Facebook Connect can destroy your newly energized sexual liberation. Let's say, you go get tested for STDs and before you know it, your results are posted to Facebook telling everyone you have herpes (even though this might not help you get laid, it will stop others from getting herpes… hopefully).
[The irony is that by posting this, I will probably look like an asshole and get laid less. Oh well.]
Some people are scared of the way the Internet is changing. What once was personal is now public information. Facebook has been watching what its users are doing outside of Facebook and reporting some of it back to the user’s News Feed. Facebook Connect is going to step this up another level. You can now log into other websites using your Facebook account and gives Facebook access to more information about what you do on the web. I know this sounds terribly intrusive, but it will add more freedom to your life and I will explain how.
At some point you may dabble in a video that is a bit risqué or possibly accidentally visit a website that has a different meaning than you thought (e.g. the old Whitehouse.com) and Facebook posts a story on your behalf. This will lead you to an “oh shit” moment and your heart will start beating rapidly. You scramble to erase your deed, but it is too late. When this happens, do not panic. Calm yourself down and get ready for the aftermath from your finger clicking error.
Congratulations! With that click, you just made yourself and others one-step closer to sexual freedom. Remember all those times when you were jealous of the "sluts” in school, because they did what they want and you held everything inside, because you did not want to be labeled a slut? These times will soon come to an end, when more and more people realize that they have been ignoring their desires and hiding their true sexual emotions. When a critical mass has accepted their desires, the taboo and name-calling will be washed away.
You are probably reading this and thinking, “so what, how this is going to get me laid more often? Who cares about my sexual freedom, I need help getting some in the first place.” Fear not, I have not come close to explaining the true powers of Facebook Connect.
With the mass acceptance of social sites, many people can now see you as you really are. This helps some people, but ruins chances for others. If you lie about being a doctor and bringing home half a million a year, most people will check your profile and see you are lying. You may think Facebook Connect is going to end your ability of lying to get laid, once and for all; however it can help. For example, you can go to a music website, click on a band that your crush loves, mute your speakers, and let Facebook Connect announce to the world how much you listen to (a.k.a. love) that band.
Then you go to Obama’s website (Microsoft Word wants me to change this to Osama’s, but I feel that is not going to help you get laid), go to the donation section, drop $.53 into his fund with a note that says, “I hear you love change.” Now sit back and let Facebook do its magic. If your pants are still on, hold tight, I have one last feature to get excited for.Ever had Facebook announce that you went from being engaged to single? Ever watch someone else’s relationship status change to something that gives you a better chance of scoring? Facebook Connect will soon offer awesome powers to help you achieve a blissful union. Here is an example: your crush’s relationship status changes to single, they change their current status to “going clubbing,” and then Facebook Connect announces that their credit card just bought 5 shots of Jack Daniels at the Towne Inn. You are stuck at work thinking, “crap this is my chance, but if I go to the bar I will be fired.” Never fear, Facebook Connect allows you to buy a drink remotely and add a note for the bartender to drop your number with a message exclaiming, "you are sorry about the news and are available for support." Even if the bartender does not give the note, it will all be posted to Facebook Connect. In the event (most likely) your dream lover wakes up the next morning still drunk and in the arms of the wrong person, they will be notified once again of your kindness when they log onto Facebook.
[example screenshot of Facebook Connect at work]
Of course, there are a few situations where Facebook Connect can destroy your newly energized sexual liberation. Let's say, you go get tested for STDs and before you know it, your results are posted to Facebook telling everyone you have herpes (even though this might not help you get laid, it will stop others from getting herpes… hopefully).
[The irony is that by posting this, I will probably look like an asshole and get laid less. Oh well.]
Labels: twitter
posted by alan dickson at
2:09 AM
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