I Don't Want To Grow Up

The final drops off coffee are now exiting my body. The twitching is slowing down. My stomach is settling.

Not So Bad
This week definitely had surprises. Coffee was not the demon I made it out to be. It did have negative side effects like weird pooping and some insanity, but I was surprised I did not hate the taste. I thought drinking coffee would be like taking a shot of plastic bottle vodka and not having a chaser. Coffee just tastes like coffee.

I Got Skills
Before this week I had zero skills when it came to coffee. When I had guests visiting I left them to suffer while I offered no coffee in the morning. My roommate was nice enough to teach me how to make coffee: shell the beans, roast them in the oven, grind them by hand with a mortar and pestle, then I started a fire with a flaming arrow that was shot at me by some unknown people on the Lost island and brewed a cup of coffee. That or I learned to grind the beans with an electric grinder and then brewed the coffee in a French press. I am so grown up.

Coffee Highlights From The Week
-Wearing only short shorts in the snow.
-Feeling like I was in some foreign place while waiting in Starbucks.
-Brewing coffee all by myself.
-Forgetting what training wheels are called and telling the customer the bike has "you know, um, those things... um."
-Spending more money on coffee than alcohol.
-Ruining my sleep schedule (although that could have been the Internets fault).

My Coffee Checklist
X Black
O Espresso
X Latte
X Irish Coffee
X Americano
O Iced Coffee
X Cappuccino
O Frappaccino (I attempted ordering one with soy, but Starbucks does not do that)
X Mocha (White Chocolate)
O Diner Coffee (my dreams of bottomless coffee at midnight did not come true)
O Decaf (I was never going to attempt this, decaf is for wimps)

AmericaNo More Coffee

I had coffee black, I had coffee with sugar, I had coffee with cream, I had coffee from pre-ground beans, I had coffee from fresh beans, I had drip coffee, I had espresso with water, and I have had coffee from Starbucks. I have only completed about half the types of coffee I want to try on my checklist and I am tired.

I'm Tired, Soy Tired
I got a soy latte from Starbucks and after 30 minutes I wanted to take a nap. That has been the least of my worries. The Starbucks was a block away from work, so it was easy to get to and they made the coffee for me. My days off have been troublesome. I wake up and the first thing I think about is how I am going to get coffee (not because I am craving it, but because it is my challenge). I am very lazy and often spend my days off at my apartment and do not leave until late in the afternoon or evening, and this makes going to get coffee too much of a chore. Of course, many people (or maybe just a few, because I doubt Starbucks would be on every corner if people made their own coffee) start their mornings off making a pot of coffee at home, but my previous 25 years have left me absolutely no skills with making coffee.

Maybe today is the day I become an adult and learn how to brew my own coffee.

Eh, On Second Thought Coffee Is Just Okay

The Good
-The gitters
-Being hyper
-Weird cravings like a tofu sandwich with pea soup poured inside (on second thought, that does not seem possible)
-Pretending I am on a tropical island eating fresh fruit instead of sitting in the snow drinking coffee
-PARTY PARTY PARTY my body is energized


The Bad
-Pooping (if that is what you really want to call it)
-Not knowing if I am tired or awake
-Thinking it would be a good idea to relax in the snow
-The feeling when the body's party stops

I LOVE COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!

How I have never had coffee before is beyond me. This stuff is heaven.

COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE!!!! CAFFEINE!!! WOOO!!!!

At midnight, I shall join the mature citizens of the world and enjoy a nice cup of coffee.

Coffee
As I have stated before, I have never had coffee. I don't think I have even had a sip of coffee. For the next seven days, I shall be like normal people and have a cup in the morning and then maybe a few more after. Maybe finish off each night with a nightcap.

I do not have many other details. I do not know what will happen. I rarely drink soda, so the caffeine might be fun.

No Pants 2k9 (First Challenges Accomplished)

Going vegan was easy. I had been vegan for two years before, so I just had to take the plunge and once I started I had no problems.

Giving up alcohol was a little harder. I went out twice that week where my friends were drinking. I went bowling and would not have minded having a drink, but I didn't.

Wearing no pants was the hardest. Improv Everywhere only lasted a few hours on subways with no pants...



I bike to work. Actually, I bike everywhere. The week started off warm, but then towards the end there was freezing rain... Biking in 20 degree weather with no pants is not the same as riding a subway. I had a few chunks of ice on my leg hairs due to rain freezing on my legs. That was not too fun, but I survived and not once put on pants.

Playing God or Living Like Jesus?

Playing God
Frankenstein, medicine, cloning, genetic engineering, etc. blame humans of playing God. The first Designer Babies have been created and once again humans are up in arms.

What Would Jesus Do?
Would Jesus create Designer Babies? Do we really care what Jesus would do? If Jesus is the Lord (a.k.a. God) in the form of man and acting or playing like God is wrong, then asking "What Would Jesus Do?" is a rhetorical question, no? If it is not, are we not supposed to do what Jesus would do, because that is wrong?

Playing Jesus
What needs to be understood is that we are approaching abilities similar to Jesus. Jesus is adored for healing the sick. We soon (or already) will be able to give vision to the blind, feed many with nothing (or give them diet pills so they are no longer hungry), fix ears (especially when crazy boxers bite them off), and many more. Yet, people consider this to be a bad thing?

Creating Jesus
Frankenstein was able to create a man in fiction, but we can almost create a new Jesus. If time travel becomes real, we can give the past two Jesus Christs (that is if there ever was a real mangod who performed miracles, that is not my new Jesus from the future). Basically, we take a virgin, get a clone embryo from God (myself), put the embryo in the virgin, put the virgin in the time machine, and send her to the year 1 BC.

Bingo, Jesus Christ Superstar!

Of Mice And Men (Literally)

Five years ago, I read an article explaining that scientists are trying to genetically modify chimpanzees with human characteristics. At that moment, I decided to go vegetarian. Why? Over the years, I could not really explain my decision, until I read Richard Dawkins Answer To What Will Change Everything in 2009.


When Animals Become Human-like
Mice are becoming men. What happens should animals ever speak? Will it still be okay to kill them, because they were taught Spanish and we cannot converse with them (like we treat citizens who speak another language)?

Utter Pops
Those who think cows will still offer up their utters to humans may be shocked. They should be shocked, as shocked as I was to find how many female Homo-sapiens would offer me their milk.

Waiting For Change
Some may say it has not happened yet. We have no passed the threshold for this to affect us. For me it did not have to happen. Other questions came to my mind: why are certain animals given special treatment while others are slaughtered? Why are dogs and cats considered disgusting to eat, but a pig (which is smarter than both) is treated as a joke in the name of bacon?

Humans For All Their Smarts Are Dumb
Maybe we should not turn animals into human-like creatures, in fear they become illogical and the world collapses into absurdity.

Change, Resolutions, and Wimps

People Are Wimps
I read the article, Why is change so hard?, and it made me feel awesome.

Do people who make resolutions really want to change that aspect of their life? 87% of people who make a resolution on New Year's Day do not want that resolution to come true.* Is it really that hard to change something you want to change?

Shorting Yourself of Life
Wearing shorts in the dead of winter is hard, but it is not the hardest part of the challenge. Explaining to people why I am wearing shorts is harder. Trust me, you do not want to explain to ten people a day why you are wearing shorts when it is below freezing. [I challenge people to not ask so many mundane questions.]

Image Resolutions
Maybe people are just picking resolutions to portray an image. Or maybe it gives you a topic to discuss for three minutes after you run out of ways to express it is cold outside and you have nothing going on it your life. Then, the conversations end and the resolution has no tangible effect on anyone, so it is dropped and forgotten (much like my Marriage Challenge).

Ending Marriage Resolution Sparks Resolution Success!
Getting married would be a severe challenge, but it also seems boring and useless to me, so I never officially started the challenge. Why do gay people even want to get married? Half the population that gets married and then changes their mind (maybe people should make their resolution to get divorced, there might be more success stories for resolutions). The only group that quits something that often are visitors to my blog.*




*This is not a fact. [89% of people who come to my website immediately close the page (that is a fact).]

"You Are Not Wearing Pants"

The following events are in chronological order:

12:01 AM, my post is posted. My pants are still on. I drink champagne. I am not wearing yellow. However, I am not eating food, so I have gone vegan.

12:17 AM, some guy is puking so I let him go into the bathroom ahead of me. Guy exits and I enter. Pants come off. Shorts go on. Drinking Pabst occurs. I am no longer wearing pants and have not eaten anything, but I am not paying any attention to color and am still drinking.

3:39 AM, dancing in short shorts drinking Jameson and water. I have not eaten still, so I have a full three hours of veganism.

2:01 PM, lying in bed, hating 2009 and not wanting to get up. It is freezing in my room, but I put on shorts.

3:15 PM, I go to brunch with a friend. Some girl says, "you are not wearing pants." It sounds weird when someone says you are not wearing pants in public. It sounds like I am a pervert walking around half naked, but this is not true. I am wearing shorts.

4:30 PM, my food finally comes and even though I ordered a tofu scramble breakfast burrito it comes with cheese. Vegan failure. I do order a virgin Bloody Mary, so I am fighting some challenges while losing others. I will get better at this.

5:30 PM, get home and do nothing the rest of the day.

[Whomever decided to put a lot of partying during one night and life changes the next day were idiots.]

Happy New Year! Crazy Special Challenge Time!

It is midnight right now and I am celebrating the New Year blogging...

...or I made it post at midnight to make you think I was a loser, while I actually party.

Being the new year it is time to make resolutions. I am not going to. I think resolutions are bound for failure. I would much rather make goals. Goals give you something to work towards. Resolutions are like going cold turkey and are too much of a challenge. Oh wait, I do challenges...

Here are my impromptu, special edition challenges for the new year:

Colors: A friend of mine wants me to look very carefully at colors. She is way into design and I learned we get a new color of the year. Mimosa (yellow) is totally in. I will be watching out for it (possibly getting into it).

Going Vegan (again): I was vegan for two years about two years ago. I eat about a 95% vegan diet, but that 5% bumps me down to a lowly vegetarian. This week I will claim being a vegan once again and be shunned by real vegans and every other food eater who thinks vegans are crazy.

No Pants: Shorts only this week. Do not fear, it is only supposed to be 20 degrees tonight... Luckily, I am starting off the new year with some new sweat cutoffs from a New Year's party.

No Drinking Alcohol: While I am killing myself riding my bike in short shorts, why not take whiskey out of the situation. The old wives' tale about how whiskey keeps you warm will not be helping me, whether it is true or not. [I have done this before in the past; Alcohol Free Week]

I should start drinking coffee too, so I can get hopped up on caffeine and fight the cold in shorts, but I think that is overkill. I will stick to these four and leave myself a few challenges to come in the new year. Plus coffee is gross, right?


Time to party in style.
No pants... check.
Yellow shirt... check.
Sparkling grape juice... check.
Awesome party time... achieved.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!